Lebohang Dlodlo-Poet & Storyteller

Woman to Woman: My future self heals my inner child

Lately, my internal monologue has been loud, as though my shadow self and my inner child regularly meet up for coffee to discuss my current existence. 

I take these long afternoon naps where I feel like I’m just ears-dropping on ground breaking information about how to reach my fullest potential. However, when I wake up its all blurry like remembering only the beat to a song that once made you feel alive and the lyrics are indeed the best.

The journey of self-development is gut wrenching

The separation I have drawn between myself and the bad habits and self-destructive tendencies, is a skill I’m well aware of. The journey of self-development is gut wrenching no matter how beautiful the poets paint it . They have warned us the journey is painful and dark. It is but you can never relate until you walk the path. The path that leads you right back to you.

After you deal with the childhood trauma and the representation you have built to be accepted in your community and the image of yourself, you think you will attract love and success. After all those ideas fall flat in your lap you have to sit with your life. Allow the disappointment to stir in your spirt, to brew a drink that can eventually satisfy the thirst of hope now that you realize that all things are possible when you accept.

Fighting different sides of myself

You have to sit with your life.

You and only you have to sit with the reality of your life.  

I hope you understand what those words mean and how it affects the trajectory of your future. The one thing I know for sure is that somehow, there lives in me a dark beautiful queen and for years I have fought to brighten her up, with glitter and makeup. I wanted to feed everyone a version of myself that they could stomach; talkative enough to be interesting but always afraid of overtalking. So, I would study my environment and if I saw any yawn or indication of boredom, I would quickly adjust. Focusing more on being consumable, because I knew then what I see now.

It’s different when you are both a girlie girl and a gangsta. It’s a hard grasp because the things I want people to accept about me are the things I reveal to others; and yet I show others a different me. I am both harsh and soft, lazy and competent.

I am sexual and a prude

I am sexual and a prude. I love to show off my body and hide it. Both women can exist, both women are necessary in order for the brokenness inside to heal.

Some days I whined at my waist in the mirror desiring to be a temptation, and be lusted after, being the woman that brings men to their knees. It’s never many men honestly. It’s always one in particular, in every season but the real one, I haven’t met yet. He will be so consumed by my hips that he will surrender his birthright simply because of the depth of the waters in my eyes as he stares into them, he loves to swim and I happen to be a deep ocean.

Embarrassment in shared experience

I don’t understand why this has felt like an embarrassing schoolgirl secret. It is beyond my understanding that being a woman means to fear most of the parts of our bodies that make us women.

I don’t know if it’s the suffering or the games men have played with us that have convinced us that a little cat and mouse isn’t fun or if you hide and he seeks you won’t be found. Playing games is fun. I don’t advocate for using your body as a tool to win over the approval of men. That’s not the game.

The game is to be so captured by your very essence that anyone who dares to pass into your personal space is enchanted by this energy. Electrified if they dare not behave according to the rules of the temple.

It’s all about energy

The energy that says I can heal you and kill you. This energy is welcoming enough for you to feel safe enough to take off your shoes, lay your head back and spill your secrets. About the day you had the fears you have, captivating enough to get you laughing out loud and making sounds of thunder. The beauty of lightning is part of this energy because a fire can erupt when the wood is too dry and there is so much distance in the field. This energy is freeing but dangerous, because it says I can heal myself and I can kill myself. What more you, a stranger passing by, to say hello? Or wishing to get to know me better because the magnetic force field has your curiosity willing to risk it all. High risk high return, a premature strategy for a mature man:  wait you aren’t even that yet.

These are the conversations I’ve been listening in on between my shadow and maybe the fully-grown woman in me. I’m intrigued. 

Lebohang Dlodlo, Lebo for short is a South Africa studying in Ningbo, China. When she is not slaving at the pen and paper, as a story teller and poet, you can find her outdoors laughing and enjoying life or in the gym sweating and enjoying life.

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