adult affection beads blur

Let people go if they want to go.

I had so many perceptions of what my life in university would entail, it included a lot of love, adventure, friendship and laughter. I thoroughly enjoy laughing. Yes, the human experience sometimes feels like an endless comedy skit and although you might be in the audience laughing sometimes, I wish it wasn’t so funny. Maybe it’s just me and my coping mechanism which is humor. I’ve said this out loud to myself: “If you don’t laugh you won’t stop crying,” then I continue to laugh uncontrollably because indeed I am right.

However, I didn’t know that letting go of what I thought would make me happy, would lead to my radical transformation and deepest healing.

I am the girl who believes in magic

I am one of those girls who actually believes in magic, I could say I have the ability to experience people. Truly experience them. I look at their faces, I study their facial expressions. I listen attentively to their pain about their childhood, their relationships with their parents. I ask them about the music they love and I listen to it with them. I see them as people who are afraid but excited. I trust who they say they want to become. I’m hopeful that they will become those people. I know, I sound like the all-seeing eye of humanity but not really. It’s more of the pathway, when we continue to walk the path together it only makes sense for me to be invested in those around me.

A therapist would probably explain it better using medical terms why this might be a terrible way to live life or how this continues to cause me pain.  I agree, unfortunately, I didn’t actually know another way to live until now. I’m trying a new thing. Letting go. That’s one thing I probably never truly did do. I have carried so many people in my heart and spirit, intentionally and unintentionally. Almost feeling guilty at wanting to let them go as though I had some major responsibility for holding them in the light or my light? That’s actually pretty self-centered and a little narcissistic come to think of it as if I’m this magical healing well and all who drink from my water will be cured.

My job was to love them; that’s it

It wasn’t until someone I thought I knew said to me they didn’t care if losing me would be their biggest regret that I then realized it was not my job to hold the light of clarity to the people I loved. My job was to love them; that’s it. Love them how they needed to be loved and if that meant letting them go, then so be it.

It was then I learnt what the words let go actually meant. I had to accept that I was no longer needed, my understanding, conversations, kindness, my presence not even my prayers mattered. I wasn’t wanted. That was tough. I had moments where I couldn’t swallow the idea of rejection, because who rejects a great friend and partner in crime? We aren’t lovers we are friends; friendships always survive so I had imagined, why aren’t we surviving?

I asked the universe frequently as I pushed my limits in the gym to self sooth. It helped me but I still didn’t let go. Every day, I woke up asking myself how do I let them go, is it by ignoring their existence, stalking them till I’m sick to my stomach and filled with shame? Is it by just acting like the cast member of Vampire diaries and turning off all emotions and channeling dark feminine energy?

Human are much greater than a part of my story

No. It was far more complex than that, it was taking a walk with my soul and understanding that I owned nobody, that human beings only belong truly to God if they so choose to believe. Human beings are much greater than being a part of my story. That love was far beyond the idea of companionship, that true love which I had claimed to have begins in freedom. Freedom of allowing one to choose even if they don’t choose you, even if they choose violence or addiction or comfort or ease. To let go is radical acceptance of oneself and ultimately of others with no judgement or condemnation with empathy and kindness.

I am grateful for all I have loved

I’m mostly grateful that all the people I have loved and now finally let go of have all brought me great joy. I have laughed till I cried, stayed up all night talking and discussing, I’ve hugged them in their moments of weakness. I have shared delicious meals with them and I will always remember their beauty. I will always remember the peace in my heart from looking at their beautiful skin or how their eyes lit up when I told them they were beautiful and kind.

I choose to let go of the idea of what I hoped the next years or weeks with them would have been like. How we would travel and wear beautiful outfits and dance in the rain in Paris; but instead, I cherish. I cherish what actually was, the midnight city walks from Tianyi to Yinzhou, in Ningbo, the competitive game night, meals cooked and secrets shared between friends. I cherish even the manipulation and the naivety I had to believe that all humans beings express and feel exactly what I feel. Oh. Living in blissful ignorance what a time it had been.

So here is how you let go:

You accept that when love, respect, desire, and compassion are no longer being served at the table you will gracefully stand up and leave. The ultimate reason I struggled to let go is because I believed my love comes from the people around me.  That their presence in my life gave me the opportunity to do what I enjoyed most, which is loving others and sharing beautiful experiences. It was not until I realized that it has always been me. I am the one with the capacity to love, so I can and should love. I can channel my love to people, passion, spaces and interests. My love is far beyond being limited to humans who can’t handle or comprehend or frankly just aren’t interested in my magical love philosophy.

Respectfully, there is no reward for suffering or holding people hostage simply because we don’t want to let them go. Letting go allows you to pivot, it sets you free too, to know that those who come to drink from the wells of your waters are believers and want to be engulfed by your silly magical love. Time is moving so fast and yet so slow, and only freedom of the mind remains priceless and peace of the mind costs everything. To be here and not belong to anyone but God and to love with no expectations but with self-esteem and self-respect and to honour yourself first before others is the true beauty of letting go. Let go of the notions you had of your life and just start to feel your life.

Lebohang Dlodlo, Lebo for short is a South Africa studying in Ningbo, China. When she is not slaving at the pen and paper, as a story teller and poet, you can find her outdoors laughing and enjoying life or in the gym sweating and enjoying life.

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